Bring me to life

Chapter 25

   
 The sun was already high overhead when Faramir heard someone exit the bedchamber on the other side of the corridor. Boromir, he realized. His heavy, booted gait was unmistakable. Only when he was sure that his brother was gone he hesitantly opened the door, taking in a deep breath and mustering all of his courage.

He had been awake all night, thinking over and over about Boromir's words, remembering how things used to be different with Kreshen before he went and ruined everything. And remembering how he used to be different, so very different from the new Faramir.

Probably Boromir was right, it was time to beg for pardon. Time to try and turn back time, to set aside the new Faramir in favour of the old one, for that was what Kreshen loved of him. Even if it was all over for her, he had to try. For he had never forgotten.

A light knock at the door, and he opened to peer inside. Almost out of breath upon seeing that she was staring at him from the bed.

"Boromir is not there" she just muttered significantly, yawning and sleepily putting the blankets over her head, still too numb to focus on the events.

"I--I am not looking for him" Faramir replied as quietly as he could, and cleared his throat. "I know he's not here, I've heard him exiting the room. I just wanted to.. well, to have a word with you."

"I have nothing to say to you" the girl replied from under the covers, beginning to be worried about the turning of events.

What did he want?

"And I'm going out this morning. To the market"

"Let me attend you there, then." he said hopefully, and at the same time thinking that he couldn't certainly blame her for all that distrust towards him. He'd deserved that.

"Please I ask you.."

Sighing softly, the girl finally came out of the blankets, studying his face, her expression unreadable.

What had happened ? Was it another one of his games?

"All right. Wait for me in your room, I need to dress up here. I'll call for you when I'm ready."

"I'll wait out here" he said nodding towards the door, and hinting a smile. "Thank you, Kreshen."

Then he was out of the room, leaning against the wall to wait for her to get ready, and smiling to himself. He hadn't dared to hope that she could actually accept his proposal.

Puffing, the girl tossed away the covers, standing up and entering the bathroom.

Almost half an hour later, Kreshen exited the room, closing the door behind her, and walking to the stairs, hailing for Faramir to follow her, without a word. She hadn't hurried. He deserved to wait for her.

The young man followed her tamely, not daring to say a word, merely clearing his throat and darting sidelong glances now and then. Once in the city they headed for the market, and Faramir eventually decided that he'd had enough of that silence.

"Did you leave the children with the nurse?"

"Yes, they will be fine" was her answer, while smelling the sweet scent in the parfumed oil shop. "I'll stay away just a few hours, sometimes I need to… think to myself".

After having wandered into the market for about an hour, the girl finally decided on some bottles of parfumed essences and bath oils, finely embroidered cloths for her children and for Boromir, some pencils and some paper.

She was beginning to feel embrarassed in Faramir's presence, for she didn't know what was he up to, and why he had insisted on attending her. Even if her heart was craving him, hoping that everything would be as it used to, her mind was advising her that it could never be the same again.

"Let me help you with those" he said when they exited the last shop, burdening himself with the clothes and bags Kreshen was carrying, and then resuming walking to the palace. "Is everything fine with Boromir? I haven't had the chance to ask him."

"Yes" she answered, flashing him a quick glance.

"Why are you so concerned about that? You've avoided him for months, when the only thing he wanted was to help you".

"Help me?" Faramir repeated, turning to look at her. Just when he was about to say that - of course - he had never needed any kind of help, the old Faramir suddenly gained the upper hand. And made him shake his head and sigh, all the while smiling sadly and staring into her eyes.

"I am sorry. There are many things I wish to discuss with you, Kreshen, but not here in the middle of the street. Would you yield me some of your time once we get home?"

"I'll hear what you intend to tell me" she replied, quickly walking to the palace. The situation was slipping out of her hands.

"But I've nothing to say. Nothing. It's too late for regrets…"

"Why so hard on me? It's been hard for me too, I--I've suffered, too."

There, he'd said it. Useless fool.

He lowered his gaze, not wanting to see the blaming look in her eyes, and said nothing else on the way home.

Suffered? He had left her, he had gone away, he had made the decision without asking.

And now she should have been polite and maybe even sweet and lovingly as if nothing had happened?

Sighing softly, confused and dazed, Kreshen entered their room, sitting on the couch and waiting for Faramir to enter.

A few moments later said man appeared on the doorframe, and closed the door before walking to the couch and sitting at Kreshen's side. He merely stared at her for a while, recalling the happier moments they'd spent together, wondering if she had already forgotten how wonderful it felt just to be that close to each other. He had not. And he missed it awfully.

"I.." he began hesitantly then, blue eyes unwavering. "I can understand you, Kreshen. I know that my behaviour's been unfair towards you and Boromir, and I'm truly sorry about that. It's just that I couldn't see.. I didn't want to see, for it hurt too much.."

"You were the one to walk away, Faramir" she said angrily, crossing her arms on her chest.

"I've been waiting for you, crying for days, but I've two children to take care of. You seem much like your father and I don't like it…I don't like the way you've become…"

"I hate it as well.. I hate it.." Faramir murmured bitterly, lowering his gaze and closing his eyes for a moment, overcome with shame and sadness. How did he manage to become like that? How? In that right moment, though, he was barely restraining himself from gathering her into his arms to hug her tight just like he used to do when they were together, to smell her scent and relish her warmth once again.

He merely took her hand into his instead, watching it closely as he caressed it with his thumb, without daring to raise his head and meet Kreshen's gaze.

"You can't just come here and ask me to be as I was with you" she said sadly, shifting unconfortably on the couch.

"You can't even imagine what you mean to me. You can't. You've been my anchor from the beginning. I thought you would always be here at my side, but one day you vanished without turning back. It still hurts. And… I don't know if I'll ever be able to…"

"To forgive me." Faramir said, ending up her sentence as his blue eyes finally met hers. "I know. And I have no right to ask you anything.. I just wish.." he sighed, shaking his head sadly. "..to turn back time, maybe. To have you back. I know it will never happen, but that's what has helped me to go on while we were apart.. memories, and nothing more."

"Why?" she asked then, gently squeezing his hand, unable to restrain herself. "Why did you leave me? Why you made me believe that you were dating other maidens? Why did you make me suffer like that? Why?"

"You were so happy with him, Kreshen.." Faramir replied softly, no hint of reproach in his voice. Just tenderness. "You both were so happy that I--"

He stopped again to smile a bit and clear his throat, squeezing her hand in return, but this time he didn't avert his eyes. "Oh, I don't know. Right now I don't know why I did it, if I look back it seems madness to me. Back then I was probably feeling like I was between you two. And I didn't want to spoil Boromir's happiness, he was always so joyful and smiling that I hardly recognized him at times. I didn't want to--to have him blaming me for.. I don't know for what. I'm just as confused as you are."

Sighing softly, Kreshen leaned to rest her back onto the couch’s back, closing her eyes for a moment.

Yes, it was true. She was confused. A thousand emotions were stirring inside of her, and she just didn’t know what to do. It would have been wonderful to turn back time and pretend that nothing had happened. But were they strong enough to do it?

"Would…would you like to have your lunch here with me?" she then asked, opening her eyes to look at him. "Denethor told me that you will be here often for you’ve accomplished your duty…"

"It would be wonderful" Faramir replied promptly, smiling brightly and leaning closer to Kreshen to hug her tight and kiss her cheek. "I would most definitely love it.. I would love it. I've missed you awfully, do you know that?"

"Y-yes" she said, clearly not awaiting such a display of affection and retreating to look at him.

It was too soon. Too soon to be like that again. It was strange to her to have him there again, and maybe it was just a matter of time. How would it be to be in his arms again at night? How would it be to be kissed and cherished as he used to do?

"I…I need some time, Faramir… I-I would like to…turn back time, too. Maybe it could be possible but…not now…gimme some time…I’ve missed you terribly. That’s why I’m scared to trust you again…"

Faramir nodded almost imperceptibly as he drew back as well, understanding perfectly the way she was feeling. But the urge to hug her had been so overwhelming that he just couldn't hold it back.

"I am sorry" he said gently, placing his hand over hers as if to reassure her. "I don't know what came over me.. well in fact I know, but.. I don't know why I couldn't hold it back. I swear it won't happen again, just don't send me away.. please."

"I don’t want to send you away" the girl smiled reassuringly, entwining her fingers with his.

"I am just…confused and…scared, but I don’t want you to go…again".

Smiling in return Faramir placed a soft kiss on the back of her hand, and then stood.

"Wait for me, I'm going to inform the maids that we'll have our lunch here. I'll be back in no time, promise."

Nodding, Kreshen smiled again, following him with her gaze while he exited.