Bring me to life

Chapter 24

   
 Some months had passed from that sorrowful evening in which Faramir had walked away from her life without even turning back. From that moment, not once he had talked to her. Nor Kreshen had asked him to do it.

Maybe the worse thing of all was that he even avoided Boromir. The girl had felt incredibly guilty for that. Her husband would have given his life for his beloved little brother, and he was willing to help him soothe the pain that he was feeling.

But what if he wasn’t feeling pain at all? What if he had just forgotten how it felt to be cuddled and hugged by Kreshen for all the night? He could have already searched for a less demanding maiden.

Her days had always been busy for her children needed to be cherished and cuddled, and the girl did her best to take care both of them and of Boromir, who came into their room always late at evening, tired and worn.

Sometimes, when she had met Faramir, she had just lowered her gaze and walked away, not wanting to reopen her wounds, for it would have been hard to let him go again, sure that she would have found nothing in his eyes. Perhaps just pity or derision.

Many maidens were now courting him, wanting to marry the youngest of Denethor’s son, so rich and handsome.

Kreshen often observed him when she was sure that he wasn’t looking at her, trying to remember every single detail of that glorious body she missed so much, his blonde hair touched by the morning breeze and his noble features, so stern and dignified. So different from her Faramir.

He didn’t know that, but every morning, when he walked to the stables to saddle his horse, Kreshen was behind the heavy curtains, to spy him without being noticed.

She was happy with Boromir, and couldn’t complain about her life, but it was always as if something was missing. A piece of her heart had been locked. The one that belonged to Faramir.

That morning she had woken up earlier than usual, soon discovering that Boromir wasn’t in their bed, yawning and stretching like a cat while standing up. Smiling, she walked barefooted to the writing desk, where as everyday, she found a note from her husband, remembering her how much he loved her.

Brushing her hands on her eyes, Kreshen walked to the bathroom, where a servant had prepared a bath for her.

An hour later she was dressed in her black leggings and dark red tunic, her hair tied in a ponytail, her children within her arms.

The gardens were peaceful and silent at that hour and she usually took advantage of that loneliness to play alone with those little rascals.

But she stopped as dead when she noticed the young man that was walking on the path coming to her direction.

Faramir.

Gulping nervously, she raised her eyes to the palace, noticing that as always Denethor was watching over her. Damn. No way to avoid him. Turning her attention to her babies, Kreshen resumed her walk.

"You’ve becoming way too heavy for your poor mother… I can barely carry you both…"

Only then Faramir seemed to notice her. He halted abruptly, blue eyes wide and lips slightly parted as if he was overawed by her very presence, hands clenched helplessly into fists. The urge to turn around and flee was overwhelming, but he couldn't. He couldn't for he was well aware that someone was watching them, and he didn't need to raise his eyes to know who it was. He resumed his walking as quietly as he could, without finding the courage to look into her eyes and merely staring at the ground all the way, until he eventually stopped a few paces away from Kreshen.

"Do you need help with the children?" he asked politely, trying to keep a straight face despite his heart, now hammering almost wildly into his chest.

Without giving her time to answer, little Finduilas seemed to recognize the uncle she saw so little, stretching her tiny arms towards him in an eloquent way.

"Well…" Kreshen began, not wanting her daughter to cry for her mother was behaving as a lassie. "I think that she had missed you, after all… even if she almost never sees you…"

Faramir's eyes lingered into hers for some moments, before he extended his arms to take the child from Kreshen's. He smiled softly at the little girl as she twiddled with a strand of his blond hair, babbling something unintelligible, and looked at Kreshen again.

"She's grown up very much.. and Amrod too."

"Yes" she smiled, looking at her son. "They are strong…but maybe you think they’ve grown up so much just because you still remember them as newborns. You’ve almost never seen them from…"

"I know. I've been busy."

None of them spoke for a while then, as Faramir discovered that Finduilas seemed indeed quite interested in the buttons of his tunic, so big for the little busy hands. Then she shifted her attentions to her uncle's stubble, extorting him another smile, and subsequently to his nose.

"How is my brother?"

"He’s fine. But maybe he’s working too much to forget the fact that his beloved brother has turned his back to him" the girl replied coldly.

It was as she has thought. He had never missed her, not once. Nor regretted his decision. Good. For she would have done her best to erase her feelings for him. He didn’t deserve her love.

"Listen, Faramir. The scene has lasted enough. You can go to your affairs now, Denethor will be pleased."

"It was no scene" he replied resentfully, looking straight into her eyes. "It is no scene. I didn't turn my back to Boromir, Kreshen, you're wrong if you think I did. I just.. I.. have had a lot of work to do, that's all, there is no other reason. I do still care about him, about you.. all."

"Yes, whatever" she just muttered, raising her eyes to Denethor’s window and noticing that her husband was there with his father.

Almost instinctively she raised her hand to greet him, smiling brightly despite the turmoil of emotions she was feeling inside.

"There’s no need to lie, Faramir" the girl then said, turning her attention to the other man. "No need. You’ve taken your decision, I can live without you. It had been wrong to believe that you loved me. It was a mistake. Now go back to your life and stop messing up mine".

Faramir was staring at her, hurt evident on his features despite all the struggling to keep up the stern composure he'd gained during those long months. He averted his eyes only after mere moments, though, mentally scolding himself. Scolding the old Faramir, who was stubbornly trying to surface and raze the wall of cold loftiness he'd built around himself with so great effort. Then he handed the baby girl to Kreshen, still paying attention not to look into her eyes.

"As you wish." he said quietly, "I wish you a good day, Kreshen."

"Liar" she just hissed, stalking away without even turning back.

She was beginning to hate the new Faramir. He was much like his father.

In the corridor, she saw her husband walking towards her. Sighing deeply, she put on her mask, pretending to be happy and smiling.

"Thanks to the Valar!" she said. "These two are so heavy... I can't wait to see them walking..."

"Give the little heavy rascals to me then" Boromir chuckled, taking the children from her arms and kissing them both on the forehead, before he leaned towards his wife to kiss her too. "So what did Faramir want?"

"He was just doing some scene to please your father" she smiled bitterly. "Nothing more, nothing less. There's nothing he could want from me. Probably he's bedding one of his admirers... But it's not important. I don't need him".

Boromir watched her closely for a while, without even noticing that Amrod was tugging at his silver collar and Finduilas, who obviously had a thing for buttons, was somehow managing to undo the clasps of his vest.

"Do not lie to me" he said softly, a small smile on his lips. "I know how much you do care about him, there is no use in denying that."

"I have to be strong" she said then, sighing sadly. "It's no use to continue loving him. He doesn't want me. I...I hate the way he's become, so stern and proud, he's not Faramir anymore... he... he.. he had left me months ago. I'd better try and forget him... for I can't continue like that..."

"Why can't I believe a single word you've just said?" Boromir asked plainly, giving his wife a sidelong glance as they walked down the corridor to reach the children's room. "Anyway.. let's just think about these two right now, we'll take care of Faramir later. It does you no good to worry like that, I want you to stay quiet."

"I don't want to take care of Faramir anymore" she replied, opening the door for him and sitting on a soft armchair to nurse her beloved children.

Kreshen spent the whole day with the two babies, cuddling and fondling them, playing with them and softly talking, for she was more than sure that they could understand her.

Amrod and Finduilas seemed to welcome happily their mother's company, laughing and babbling back all the while.

That evening, when they were soundly asleep into their cradles, the girl walked to the library, to take a book that she liked a lot.

Faramir's favourite one.

Once there, when she met him, she just lowered her gaze to the floor, without even bothering to greet him, taking the book and quickly walking away, now anxious to reach her chamber.

Boromir was walking down the corridor, looking for his brother, when he saw her exiting the library. And from the upset frown on her face there was no doubt, Faramir was there. He managed to smile at his wife as he passed her by and without faltering the slightest he entered the wide room, shutting the door.

"What's the matter with you?" he practically barked once inside, causing Faramir to wince and raise his head from the book to look at him.

"Why do you behave like that? Why, by the Valar?"

"And how am I behaving, pray tell me?"

A fuming Boromir halted in front of his brother's armchair, looking straight at him, arms folded across his chest. "It is rude to answer a question with another question. And rudely is how you're behaving with Kreshen, you're detestable, haughty and cold just like father was. You should be proud of yourself."

"Could you just make it brief and tell me what is that you want of me, Boromir?" was Faramir's quiet reply, as he nonchalantly resumed his reading. His book, though, was promptly seized by the older man, and challengingly thrown into the wide fireplace. A baffled Faramir then stood, staring numbly at the beloved pages vanishing within the flames.

"W--why? Why did you do that?"

"Listen to me" Boromir replied harshly, forcing his brother to look at him. "And listen well. You will find a way to excuse yourself for your ill-mannered behaviour, or I'll personally have you begging for pardon. Is that clear enough?"

The other stubbornly shook his head. "There is nothing I must excuse about. I have not been impolite towards her."

"Can't you see how much she cares about you?" Boromir snapped angrily, grabbing Faramir's collar and staring right at him. "You boneheaded fool. You will find yourself alone one day, with only yourself to blame." Said that he released him, and turned around abruptly to walk out of the room, sure that facing his brother for just another second would have meant hurting him. He was furious. Furious about the way Faramir had changed, furious about his coolness, furious about his cursed stubborness on denying his feelings.

Alone in her room, Kreshen was just staring at the opened book onto her lap, fixing the pages but without really seeing them.

It was time to forget, to go on with her life and let him go. Anyway he was treating her so coldly that it would have been foolish to think that he still cared about her. A fool. That’s what she was.

Walking as a woman in dream, the girl neared the wall, taking all Faramir’s potraits that hung there, and locking them in the closet. Just in case she would have missed the old Faramir.

Sighing again, she then slipped into her nightgown, laying down onto the soft mattress and closing her eyes.

Boromir joined her late that night, but she still wasn’t asleep, and they made love until dawn, both upset by the younger man’s behaviour and in need of cuddles.